Waiting With Bated Breath…

There are momentous turning points in every human life. The day you meet your one true love. The day you see the miracle of new life brought into the world as a physical manifestation of your love (or, conversely, if you’re a woman, the day you push a human out an orifice). For Doc Gurley, one of those cosmically-significant turning points may be coming at any moment. Yes, I’m talking about none other than…

(drum roll, please)DaveBarrybookcover.jpg

…the moment when I become Dave Barry for President’s nominee for his administration’s Head of the CDC (wild cheers erupt)! The clock is ticking. I presented today my cogent, carefully groomed (and only slightly padded) resume to his democratically fair “open call” nomination process (also known as a comedy forum). For those of you who are mindful of the awesomeness of my qualifications for this position (my husband), you need not read the following. For everyone else in the world, here is what I wrote:

Dear Highness-in-waiting: I think the position of head of the CDC in your administration will be impossible to fill. Who would want it? You get grilled by Congress, you’re responsible for every epidemic anywhere in the world and you have to not only understand, but contain, the so-called “bird flu” as millions of poultry flap their way around the globe. It’s the only job where you have to be simultaneously uber-nerdish, telegenic, and sassy. I think I’m the person for the job. As the only Harvard Medical School graduate EVER to be awarded the coveted Shoney’s Ten Step Pin for Documented Excellence in Waitressing, I think I’m uniquely qualified (“fries with that? I don’t think so”). I’ll even throw in a “little something” to sweeten the deal. There’s an old appendix we took out last month lying around here somewhere, if you give me a sec to find it. Or do I need to go higher? What do you think? Doc Gurley.

I’ll know in 72 hours or less–it’s not the kind of decision a major world-leader-in-waiting would want to sit on (even in the absence of toilet paper). Stay tuned.

I feel faint. I have to go lay down…

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