Doc Gurley’s Subtle Signs of Maternal Stress

You Know That Mothers with Babies are Stressed Out If–

1) She smells of Eau de Week-Old Spit-up with just a small, insouciant hint of B.O.

2) She has tremors that could put a withdrawing alcoholic to shame, due to the eight daily espresso shots she’s using to compensate for twelve weeks of no sleep

3) She shouts “Stressed, what the #]$* do you know about stressed, you sleeping-every-night, peeing-by-yourself-whenever-you-get-the-urge PIG.” (this is one of the more subtle clues–in-depth analyses with additional scientific publications are planned)

4) Or, you could just use the famous Dr. Gurley scale of new-mom stress—

I—first child, less than six weeks old (call in the bomb squad, she could blow any second)

II—two children, under the age of two (call in the Vatican, if those guys weren’t all men, these women would automatically qualify for sainthood)

III—three children, two with fevers (put her in a quiet room while you spend twenty minutes examining the kids. Believe me, despite the screaming, it’s the only sleep she’s going to get for three weeks)

IV—four or more children, all under the age of seven (we’ve moved beyond the upper limits of stress, to a new state of human existence…called the vibrating pitchfork—it’s a high-pitched hum that only other mothers and some dogs can hear)

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